Parenthood is challenging no matter what philosophy we believe or methods we follow. Raising naturally selfish and tantrum-throwing miniature humans to be caring and productive members of society is hard work and can sometimes seem overwhelming. And it’s usually these little people who bring out the worst in us and make us realize we still have naturally selfish, tantrum-throwing tendancies ourselves even as full grown adults! How then, are we ever going to teach our children to be good people if we can’t even be good ourselves?
The apostle Paul had similar thoughts when he said, “For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do.” (Romans 7:19) Once we are really honest with ourselves, we realize that in our own strength we do nothing good. “The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked. Who can know it?” Jeremiah 17:9.
It’s only our complete reliance on Christ’s work within us that enables us to guide our children in learning and developing good character and fruits of the Spirit. How to be loving when circumstances aren’t favorable. How to have joy when they don’t feel happy. How to have peace in the midst of chaos. Patience. Kindness. Goodness. Faithfulness. Gentleness. Self-control. All these qualities we are trying to instill in our children are actually not qualities we can instill at all. Sure, we can have an accountability chart that causes them to “be good” in exchange for a prize. But in their purest form, the fruits of the Spirit are qualities that only the Holy Spirit can work in us and in our children, and He can only do as much as we allow Him.
A full measure of grace is needed in parenting. God gives grace to us, and we show grace to our children. But probably the hardest one for us is to give grace to ourselves. God knows we aren’t perfect, and He loves us anyway. We have to accept that. There is no good outcome for us or our children when we expect perfection as we parent. In fact, it’s in our weakness that our children learn how to handle their own weaknesses.
“I’m sorry I yelled at you.” Sometimes I just have to stop in the middle of one of my adult tantrums, apologize, and admit to my children I’m not handling things well. We often stop to pray in the middle of particularly trying days, asking God to reach down and help us as we struggle to love each other. Yelling, saying unkind words, and reacting in frustration or anger are daily downfalls for me. But instead of throwing my hands up because I’ve failed to be the perfect parent, I need grace. And I need to realize that it is after a wrong has been said or done, that I have a prime opportunity to model for my children how to handle themselves when they lose their own tempers.
Apologizing to our children will not undermine our parenting or incite disrespect. Rather, it allows our children to see themselves in us and relate. They watch as we struggle to follow Christ. They see us fail to do what’s right. They see us look to Jesus for grace and forgiveness and notice how we keep the faith even though we aren’t perfect. It’s through this transparency that our children will learn the depths of God’s love and understand He is there to help us in the midst of failures.
As I deal with my children telling them how to behave, my heavenly father presses truths into my own heart as He deals with me, “Child, you need to know and trust who I am and what I’m doing. Follow me.” His goal is that all his children become new creations who aren’t burdened by the weight of sin and cares that come from living for this world. And just as God is making us into new creations with a heavenly purpose, we need to pray fervently for our children to be open to His work within them as well.
Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new. 2 Corinthians 5:17
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