Feb 3, 2020
As far back as I can remember, I struggled with faith. It started early in childhood with questions, doubts, and fears despite growing up in a Christian home. I couldn’t feel God’s presence. I certainly couldn’t see Him. I didn’t know if He was really real or just a made up story to make people feel better about life and death.
I often felt like a hypocrite. I said I believed. I read my Bible and continued to follow. I even encouraged others in their faith with what I knew in my head to be true while deep down I felt trapped in my own unbelief.
“And I will be a Father unto you, and ye shall be my sons and daughters, saith the Lord Almighty.” 2 Corinthians 6:18 ~
I’ve come to realize my faith journey was much like a newborn baby in the arms of an adopted father. I didn’t know Him. I was scared and didn’t know who He was or who I was as His daughter. I felt insecure even while He held me. It took time to learn to trust Him.
My wavering faith went through fire during years of struggling with infertility and loss. I had ugly times of anger and despair where I questioned God’s goodness. How could a good God allow such suffering? I just didn’t understand.
“We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair;” 2 Corinthians 4:8 ~
In my grief, there were many pivitol moments where I had to make a conscious choice: Would I allow bitterness to overtake me or would I hold on to what little faith I had? The hopelessness of infertility shook me at my core, but I was not left in despair. The miscarriage and failed IVF cycle brought grief, but bitterness never consumed me.
God was fighting for me. He kept me from bitterness and despair. It was within the trials that I clung to the promises of God hoping more than anything that they were true. That’s when the noise from my doubts got quiet. And in the stillness, I could finally hear His voice.
“But the Lord was not in the wind: and after the wind an earthquake; but the Lord was not in the earthquake: And after the earthquake a fire; but the Lord was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice.” 2 Kings 19:11-12 ~
He spoke to me in my grief when I needed it most. I heard Him and was comforted.
But He didn’t stop at the still small voice. He later showed up in a blazing chariot of fire, burning bush in the wilderness, old testament miracle type experience that was so marvelous and real that all I could do was stand in awe. Me. The one with all the doubts and only a smidgen of faith. God took hold of my tiny sliver of faith. It only takes a little faith for God to work wonders.
“If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible.” Matthew 17:20b ~
Looking back, I’ve come to see that I was not a hypocrite all those years when I had doubts. I now realize that is the very definition of faith. It’s the substance of things hoped for. Faith is the evidence of things not seen. It’s when we follow though we don’t understand. It’s when we hope when we aren’t sure.
If you’re walking with doubts in your life today, I encourage you to keep going. God is working even when you can’t see it. Silence your doubts by shouting truth. You are loved. God will never leave you. Muster up as much faith as you can in the moment and keep believing. That’s not being a hypocrite. That’s living by faith. And then watch patiently for God because He always keeps his promises.
“Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith.” Hebrews 12:2
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