As I searched through my old journal, I stumbled across a passage that I didn’t remember writing. It went like this…
“Adoption will be the next best thing, and I know it would probably suffice. But I also would not want to adopt until I had made peace with all baggage that comes with infertility. I don’t want the adopted child to just “suffice” in place of a biological child. I wouldn’t want any feelings of ‘I only have you because I couldn’t have my own child.’ Toward an adopted child, I would want to feel acceptance and love without any barriers and until I would be ready to do that, I would wait to adopt.”
After reading those words, I drew in a breath and thanked God. The sorrow and pain had been traded for joy. He had blessed us with three biological children of our own. But even still, it was my infertility that had shown me, with or without children, I could trust God’s goodness. I sat in my bedroom with my journal surrounded by pictures of embryos and ultrasounds. And as I marveled at all this, His Spirit spoke plainly, “I have healed you.” That was all He said, but I knew what He was implying. I have healed you for a purpose. I am calling you to adopt.
MIRACLES: This journal searching and call to adoption took place in late November of 2019. We didn’t know it then, but we now know that during this exact time, our child was in a hospital having heart surgery. An orphan in a hospital moved our loving God to act. And He called our family to do something.
Friends, so often we look at suffering and say, “Why doesn’t God end it? If He’s such a loving God, why doesn’t He do something.” And yet, we sit in our comfortable world, going to church on Sundays asking why God doesn’t do something. I know this form of Christianity because I’ve been so guilty of this mentality myself. In our modern world, most of us are inclined to be satisfied with just enough of God to make our lives comfortable. But are we willing to walk closely enough with our God that we allow Him to call us out of complacency? Are we willing to look at human suffering and give up our comfort to do something about it?
If we could only grasp the truth that this giving up is in fact the most rewarding decision of our lives. We soon begin to realize the vanity. We see how frivolous our plans are in comparison to what He has envisioned for us. We realize the futility of the cares of this world and wise up to the deceitfulness of pursuing earthly riches.
Walking with God is not an easy journey. He will most definitely stretch us and take us out of our comfort zone into the most ridiculous adventures (just read the Old Testament). But He goes before and behind us, and He promises to be with us every step of the way.
And yet, even still, I fought this surrender and tried to hold onto my own plans. In my next post, I will share with you all the excuses I entertained on why we shouldn’t adopt.
Below: A few photos of our IVF journey from 2012 – 2018.
stillsmallfaith.com 