Walk by Faith

Feb 3, 2020

As far back as I can remember, I struggled with faith. It started early in childhood with questions, doubts, and fears despite growing up in a Christian home. I couldn’t feel God’s presence. I certainly couldn’t see Him. I didn’t know if He was really real or just a made up story to make people feel better about life and death. 

I often felt like a hypocrite. I said I believed. I read my Bible and continued to follow. I even encouraged others in their faith with what I knew in my head to be true while deep down I felt trapped in my own unbelief. 

“And I will be a Father unto you, and ye shall be my sons and daughters, saith the Lord Almighty.” 2 Corinthians 6:18 ~

I’ve come to realize my faith journey was much like a newborn baby in the arms of an adopted father. I didn’t know Him. I was scared and didn’t know who He was or who I was as His daughter. I felt insecure even while He held me. It took time to learn to trust Him.

My wavering faith went through fire during years of struggling with infertility and loss. I had ugly times of anger and despair where I questioned God’s goodness. How could a good God allow such suffering? I just didn’t understand.

“We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair;” 2 Corinthians 4:8 ~

In my grief, there were many pivitol moments where I had to make a conscious choice: Would I allow bitterness to overtake me or would I hold on to what little faith I had? The hopelessness of infertility shook me at my core, but I was not left in despair. The miscarriage and failed IVF cycle brought grief, but bitterness never consumed me.

God was fighting for me. He kept me from bitterness and despair. It was within the trials that I clung to the promises of God hoping more than anything that they were true. That’s when the noise from my doubts got quiet. And in the stillness, I could finally hear His voice.

“But the Lord was not in the wind: and after the wind an earthquake; but the Lord was not in the earthquake: And after the earthquake a fire; but the Lord was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice.”  2 Kings 19:11-12 ~

He spoke to me in my grief when I needed it most. I heard Him and was comforted.

But He didn’t stop at the still small voice. He later showed up in a blazing chariot of fire, burning bush in the wilderness, old testament miracle type experience that was so marvelous and real that all I could do was stand in awe. Me. The one with all the doubts and only a smidgen of faith. God took hold of my tiny sliver of faith. It only takes a little faith for God to work wonders.

“If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible.” Matthew 17:20b ~

Looking back, I’ve come to see that I was not a hypocrite all those years when I had doubts. I now realize that is the very definition of faith. It’s the substance of things hoped for. Faith is the evidence of things not seen. It’s when we follow though we don’t understand. It’s when we hope when we aren’t sure. 

If you’re walking with doubts in your life today, I encourage you to keep going. God is working even when you can’t see it. Silence your doubts by shouting truth. You are loved. God will never leave you. Muster up as much faith as you can in the moment and keep believing. That’s not being a hypocrite. That’s living by faith. And then watch patiently for God because He always keeps his promises.

“Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith.” Hebrews 12:2

From Frustrated to Faithfully Focused

Jan 23, 2020 

I get it. I really do. I was about to explode one Sunday after running errands with the kids. The constant noise and bickering coupled with keeping my kids from eating old sticky gummies in the van and running out into the parking lot had pushed me to the brink of insanity. 

But it was on this particular drive home as I sat frustrated and fuming that God spoke to my soul. “I see you and that’s all that matters.” I allowed God’s grace to flow into my thoughts as I realized what was really bothering me was that I was spending so much of myself doing little things that no one noticed. Ouch. This truth hurt. It hurt to think that deep down I want to do something big that others can see and praise. It shouldn’t surprise me that my Creator knows my heart more than I do. 

The truth is, as moms, our hardest work is done when no one sees. There are no formal raises, promotions, or accolades in motherhood. I think that in itself can make all the small things seem insignificant and menial. But they are not. 

God keeps nudging me towards the idea that I don’t need to go in search of big things but rather focus on what he has placed in front of me. Folding laundry, making dinner, breaking up sibling squabbles, and explaining why we don’t eat out of the catfood bowl may seem monotonous and trivial. But God is showing me that these are not small things to Him. And if I’m completely honest, it’s downright hard to do these things day in and day out with a joyful heart. As soon as I finish laundry, another dirty load needs washing. Dishes are the same, and little boys don’t stay clean. 

Faithfulness in the small things may not gain a lot of attention, and there surely won’t be any plaque to display for a job well done. But once we realize God doesn’t distinguish big or small things, we are given freedom to do all things for His glory. 

In all things, we can mirror His faithfulness. It’s His patience that we channel as we tell our kids for the 100th time not to lick the grocery cart. It’s His strength that sustains when attention spans are exhausted and there’s still more schoolwork to be done. It’s His joy that lets us have fun with the kids in the middle of a messy house. And on that Sunday drive home, it was His love that dissipated my frustration as he reminded me that he sees all things big and small.

Just Passing Through

January 11, 2021 

This world is not my home.

I’m just passing through 

My treasures are laid up 

Somewhere beyond the blue 

The angels beckon me 

From Heaven’s open door 

And I can’t feel at home in this world anymore 

My grandparents sang this song for years, and it began running through my mind recently. Whether we are in a phase of life where overwhelming tasks turn into endless exhaustion or where uneventful days multiply into monotony,  heaven can seem distant in daily life. We may look up into the starry celestial sky and feel miles away from the One who created it. The assuming divide between the earthly and heavenly realms occurs naturally for there’s only one of those realms we can see. Before we know it, we get rattled, wound up, and spent over what we can see, and we lose sight of the greater eternal things we cannot see. We forget about praying. We forget that we can cry out to God our Help and He hears us. We can open our Bibles and read of Jesus and learn how to be spiritually focused in a world that does its best to distract us. 

Last week during a rough day, I cried, “Oh Jesus, I wish you were here.” As Christians here on Earth, dealing with our own sinful nature and living among our fallen world can make the divide from our heavenly home seem even greater. Yet, as I cried out, His Spirit flooded my thoughts as He reminded me that He has been here in flesh. He knows how it feels. He lived as a man within this struggling world. He saw sin, sadness, misery, and death. He understands our pain and tears, for that’s exactly why He came. He came so that we might have hope. Jesus kept his eyes on His heavenly purpose and fulfilled it. 

His example reminds me not to get disheartened by worldly mess: politics, sin, confusion of right and wrong, for Jesus never strayed. He focused on spending time with His Heavenly Father so He could accomplish His Father’s will. There were distractions for Him too. He was wanted as an earthly savior as some believed He’d free them from Roman tyranny. He felt the pressure of what others wanted and experienced their disappointment when He deviated from their plans of who He should be. Some were even disappointed when Jesus died and thought Him a failure. Oh the irony of this misunderstanding, for it was only by His failing of earthly expectations that He secured the salvation of humanity! 

Friends, let’s be like Jesus. Let’s not allow the condition of the world to cause us to lose heart or heavenly focus. This world is not our home. We are just passing through.

Reflection

Jan 6, 2020 

You know those moments when you pause and see yourself? It’s almost like taking a snapshot or looking objectively from the outside. I had a moment like that today.

The sun was dropping low as I drove our John Deere Gator to the outdoor spigot. My three boys were piled in the back with a bale of hay, wearing boots and hats that were speckled with pieces of dried grass and mud.  I was wearing boots and a red buffalo plaid hat myself and pulled the spigot handle up and waited patiently for the water which was always slow to come out. I glanced out across the pasture with amusement. If someone had asked me a couple years prior where I had seen myself headed, this wasn’t it.

Earlier that day I had sat in the doctor’s office and found myself saying, “We got goats… Cleaning out hogpens…” The doctor had laughed, and it made me realize how funny I sounded with my story. Months earlier I had been in her office wrapped up in anxiety and pain barely able to go on. Today, I sat there with welts of swollen poison ivy all down my arm and on my swollen face. She chuckled at my situation and sent me out the door with prednisone and an antibiotic. I thought back over the appointment. I wasn’t the same person I had been months earlier. Several losses in my life and a jam-packed schedule had had me wrapped up so tightly I could barely breathe. Now, I was a much less stressed very reluctant farmer who happened to get a very unfortunate case of poison ivy in the winter. If I had to choose, I would definitely choose the latter even if the triage nurse today had sputtered, “Poison ivy? How on earth did you get poison ivy in the winter?” I sometimes try to rationalize with God and tell him that in his process of growing me to be more like Him, making me goat farm was a bit extreme. I’ve come to realize that God has a gracious sense of humor. And even in my miserably itchy situation, I’m not going to question his methods. I have a peace in my soul that He’s working all things for good, and He has a plan. The next time you take a look at yourself objectively and your snapshot doesn’t line up to what you envisioned, I hope you feel peace and know God’s got a plan for you too.

I turned off the spigot, hauled the bucket of water into the gator, and drove off with the boys to feed and water goats. And I have resolved to never ever touch another vine as long as I live. 

Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

The Deception of Pursuing Happiness

Jan 3, 2020 

We’ve all heard it. We’ve said it. It’s everywhere. It broadcasts from commercials and is found on bumper stickers and magnets, pillows and park benches. It’s the world’s mantra of living for ourselves and is phrased in many ways: Do what makes you happy. Follow your heart. Seek your fortune. Find your way. 

We are mesmerized by these catchy phrases, and slowly we’ve come to believe that anything is acceptable in the name of self-discovery and our pursuit of happiness. But sadly, these heavily publicized slogans are rabbit trails that will never lead us to true fulfillment. We soon find ourselves exhausted and wondering what is wrong with us when we have attained so much and yet still feel so empty. Our deep ache for happiness often leads us to make reckless choices and sometimes we even shock ourselves at what we are willing to do. We may move from one marriage to the next, a bigger house, a nicer neighborhood, a different hobby, a new sports car, higher degree, the next rung on the corporate ladder, the newest fad diet, or expensive beauty treatment, always finding short bursts of pleasure followed by unfulfillment and the need for more. We work so hard to put ourselves in just the right circumstance, only to find that we still aren’t happy and that the world’s advice has proven to be foolishness (1 Corinthians 3). This is because lasting happiness cannot be found in situations, possessions, other people, or even ourselves. Sadly, by the time we realize these exhausting pursuits don’t yield lasting happiness, often we’ve already given up so much.  

The Bible talks very little of pursuing happiness. In fact, it tells us to leave behind the pursuit of self in exchange for pursing God. When we shift our focus to God, He begins to show us how to have, not happiness which ebbs and flows with circumstance, but instead lasting qualities that are unshakable. It is quite a dichotomy in nature as it takes us laying aside our pursuit of happiness in order to find fulfillment. Joy is lasting happiness and satisfaction despite our circumstances and cannot be found in our pursuit of self because it isn’t of ourselves. Joy is found in surrender of our own pursuits of happiness and is grown to fruition as we seek God. This is how the apostles sang while imprisoned and how we today can raise our hands in worship in the midst of loss. Death, sickness, and disaster touch every single one of us here on earth and some of us face these in unbearable proportions. But Jesus has given us hope and what we need not only to endure but to live an abundant life (John 10:10). We have peace and happiness in the midst of even unfathomable circumstances because our loving God brings beauty from ashes and joy out of sorrow. 

Our family’s New Year’s resolution is focused on Joy. “We will choose to be joyful and look to God for strength when we are disappointed.” This doesn’t come naturally, but God makes all things possible as we seek him.

New Year’s Resolutions

Dec 30, 2019

Get ready. Are you ready? People are going to be asking. So did you make any resolutions? Unprepared, you may pull one out of thin air when asked. “I plan to get in shape.” “To stop eating junk food” “To spend more time with family.” 

Sure, those are good. It’s always good to think about goals and steps that might get us there. But research shows that the majority of us don’t stick with it. That gym card that got swiped 3 times a week for a couple months suddenly dwindles until it doesn’t even get swiped. 

I’m not saying don’t try the gym in January. In fact, a couple months of working out is better than not working out at all. But part of our problem is that we set specific action goals for this year without realizing the impact of what we think and do daily, hourly, minute by minute and how that will ultimately affect any goal we set. 

What do I mean by this? I’m talking about our continuous choices of what we fill ourselves up with. Everyone knows that consistently eating junk food takes a toll on our health. “You are what you eat” is a saying we’ve all heard, but as a kid I quickly realized it wasn’t true because I surely would have been a bowl of oatmeal by age four. I have no deep insight into that statement, but I do want to challenge you with another that I know is true: “You are what you think.” 

“As a man thinketh in his heart so he is.” The base of this verse from Proverbs promotes metacognition, being aware of one’s own thoughts. The personal dialog we play in our head as we go through daily life makes a much bigger impact on who we are than any trip to the gym or weight loss plan. Often we don’t even give any mind to what we are thinking since our thoughts are hidden and private. And since no one else hears, what does it matter? But it does matter. What we believe are personal, hidden thoughts begin to be exposed as they shape who we are. We need to start metacognating (pretty sure that’s not a word). But we need to start thinking about what we are thinking about. 

So, what are we telling ourselves? 

“I thought if I paid $600 for six months of training, I’d make myself do it. But now I just wasted that money. I’m such a failure.”

“I can’t believe I ate that piece of cake the day I started my diet. I can’t do anything right.”  

“I thought we could play a game or go for a walk when I got home from work, but I’m tired, my wife is in a bad mood, and the kids are fighting. Why can’t we be like other families.” 

We all have these kinds of thoughts, but the Bible says to take thoughts captive. It matters what we speak to ourselves. If we replay consistent thoughts about being a failure, demanding perfection, and comparing ourselves to others that will bring us down far more quickly than our unused gym membership or derailed diet. 

So, how do we stop the negative banter in our heads that drive us to feelings of anxiety, depression, and stifled growth? The best way is to replace it with truth. We need to ask God to show us what truths we need and read our Bibles to find them. If you don’t have a personal relationship with Jesus and you’ve never asked Him to come into your life, then that’s the starting point.

“Therefore, if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: Old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.”

So many of us stay burdened with negative thoughts when we’ve already been set free. We need to know the truth of who we are in Christ and speak those truths to ourselves. And you shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free. 

Here are just a few truths to get you started. 

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” 

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind.” 

“His grace is sufficient and His strength is made perfect in our weakness.”

“I am strong and courageous for the Lord is with me wherever I go.” 

I hope we make New Year’s Resolutions and stick to them. I hope we eat healthy and exercise. I hope we go to the gym and start a diet. I’m cheering us on! But whether we make resolutions or not, remember our identity isn’t wrapped up in whether we succeed. And whatever we do, let’s not make our resolutions or lack thereof a springboard for negative thoughts. Let’s speak truth to ourselves and remember who we are in Christ: Loved. Chosen. Redeemed. Favored. Blessed. Free. 

When it is Not the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Dec 18, 2019 

You don’t know when it may hit you. “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year,” some say. But to those who are grieving, jingle bells and ho ho ho around every corner may make the hurt run deeper and the whole season dreadfully hard. 

Whether we actually come out and say it or not, our usual sentiment is, “Isn’t everyone happy at Christmas?” It’s true that at Christmas we are celebrating something wonderful. But it’s also true that on this earth, many have experienced loss and brokenness whether recent or in the past. 

Grief isn’t linear with a start and stop, and often times memories of loved ones or past sadnesses can come out of nowhere. Especially at Christmas or any holiday when emotions are soaring and songs are singing, those grieving may feel alone and distant. Some may even feel guilty because of their sadness and put pressure on themselves to jump into the celebrations. Let me just stop right here and say that it’s okay to feel sadness even during the most wonderful time of the year. It’s okay if you’re not the one smiling and partying with a blinking lights Christmas necklace. 

Jesus said, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” And Jesus himself even wept here on earth when he saw how heartbroken Mary and Martha were over Lazarus’ death. 

If you’re grieving this Christmas, I encourage you to give yourself some grace and room for your sadness. But just be sure not to dwell so deeply in your grief that you lose sight of hope. Remember that we do have hope through Jesus and victory over death and all things that make us grieve. 

And if you’re the one wearing the Llama Christmas sweater that spits glitter and sings carols, keep spreading that Christmas cheer! We all need to know that there’s still joy in the world.

Behind the Christmas Cards🎄

Dec 6, 2019

As you receive Christmas cards this year from friends and family, you may see sparkling photos with brilliant smiles and loving family sentiments. It is so beautiful to celebrate families and share warm greetings and happiness during this time of year. It’s right that we highlight the good. In fact, God tells us to dwell on whatsoever things are good. 

Following tradition, I just got through writing a Christmas letter that I will include with our Christmas cards this year. And while I mean every single thing I wrote, can I just be honest for minute? Behind that update and highlighting of all our good times, there is the daily struggle I don’t mention. I didn’t talk about the non-stop bickering between my boys and the exhausting days that leave Brandon and me sometimes irritable and snapping at each other. If we are honest, behind every glowing Christmas card and letter, there is a real family, living real life, and facing real struggles.

I write this to say we shouldn’t compare our families to the standard of the Christmas card families. Every one of us is fighting a battle of some sort. So let’s be sure to give ourselves and others some grace this holiday season and remember with confidence who we are in Christ: Loved. Forgiven. Chosen. Redeemed. Blessed. Secure. Joyful. Because that’s what makes Christmas something to celebrate!

May Be God is Real

Nov 22, 2019 

We just need to point people to Christ and let God do the work. I’m thankful that the heavens declare the glory of God, and that it’s God’s goodness that draws people to Him, young and old.

Emmett’s thoughts overflowed this morning right after breakfast, and I’m so grateful that God will take hold of that tiny piece of faith and make himself known to Emmett, just as he will to anyone who seeks.

Jeremiah 29:13 And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.

Testimonies

Testimonies are born out of voids, losses, and hardships, and they carry the gospel through generations. We often pray for struggles to end, but more often, we should pray that powerful testimonies arise from the heartaches. When we submit to God, He turns our pain and tears into praise and joy, not always removing the struggle, but always providing assurance and comfort during the storm.

“For when I am weak, then am I strong.”
2 Corinthians 12:10